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File: Motto_Hanjuku_Joshi_ch11.png -(734942 B, 2220x3106) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
734942 No.24944  

RAW: http://www.mediafire.com/file/5gxwvv6pkzu4pqs

>> No.24953  

I'm on it

>> No.24954  
File: motto_ch11.txt -(11554 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

Here's a translation.

>> No.24955  

This time again already? I'll start cleaning.

>> No.24976  

Here is the first revision.

>> No.24982  
File: motto_11qc1.txt -(2033 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.


Here are some notes; mostly punctuation and lining, with a few changes to the text.

General notes:

It looks like you're using a font that's fairly similar to dialogue text for the floating text. I don't think you need to change it for this release, but I think it's worth considering using a font that's more different, particularly one that's mixed-case and more closely imitates handwriting.

It looks like you're using a mixed-case font for the narration that's different than the font for the dialogue; I think that's good, but it looks like there are a few places where you flip back to the dialogue font during narration. I've tried to mark those places in the attached notes.

There's another detail that I'll post right after this.

>> No.24983  
File: mhj_11_redraw.png -(54432 B, 392x512) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.


Pic related is from page 148. I noticed that the part of the jacket above the text has been erased, as marked by the purple circle. It looks fine, and I think we can release without it, but if you want extra brownie points, I'd enjoy seeing it there. The red circle highlights a disconnect in the line of the sweater seam that I'm pretty sure is supposed to connect from the bottom line. I would like for this to be fixed before the release, because it essentially introduces an error in the artwork that wasn't there before. I do appreciate that this is a sort of sophisticated redraw; it seems like a tough one to do with just a clone stamp.

>> No.24984  

Yeah, the red part is just a mistake in the clone tool usage.
I really do not think I'll be able to redraw the rest of the jacket, which is why I just took it out as elegantly as possible.

>> No.24985  

I know I mentioned before, but I inherited the fonts from the previous editor of this:
main dialogue - mighty zeo caps
thought bubbles - zud juice
shaky/scared dialogue - scribbled sans, bold
strong/yelling - cc wild words
boxes - chinacat thin
happy - white chocolate
french words - corbel
titles - If Only

I try to stick to that, but sometime I get confused on what is narration and thoughts. I usually go with "thought bubbles are thoughts" and everything else is narration.

>> No.24986  

And by "narration" I mean what is labelled in the font chart as "boxes".

>> No.24987  

Oh, and I have been using CC Wild Words for the floating text. It seemed generic enough but if you have suggestions I'll use that instead.

>> No.24988  
>Rompe -> Rompez
>Marche -> Marchez

I was curious about this as well. Why change the conjugation from what is in the original? I will not claim to be a French expert, but I imagine this in her own narration, so would "je" be correct?

>> No.24989  
File: combat_sports.png -(16578 B, 217x274) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

This line here in the picture. It seems to me that she is saying she is not able to do the sport herself, so she'd be he manager.
The wording implies to me that she does not want to do it alone so she would be the manager (which doesn't make much sense).
As usual, I do not know Japanese though.

>> No.24990  

Lots of comments I just posted there I know, but here are the changes that were requested.

I changed the floating text to white chocolate font (except for a heavy exclamation line the boyfriend shouts) and I did not try to fix the jacket art because I cannot draw as well as Morishima.

>> No.24991  


Ah, I see. In that case, it's probably fine just to change it where I marked; those were the parts where the change seemed the most stark and distracting.

Another general note that I forgot to leave earlier; I think you could probably get away with using a larger base size for the narration text. I don't think it's worth blocking this release on, but it's something to consider for future projects.

>> No.24992  


It's an imperative; the instructor is telling the class to perform the action. So it's a second-person plural imperative: (vous) Marchez! (vous) Rompez! "flèche" is a noun, though, so there's no conjugation to worry about. One thing to note is that the original provides some guide to pronunciation. In chapter 2, Chitose says:

> でそのまま一歩前進する「マルシェ」
> Taking a step forward in that position is an "advance."
> 一歩後退が「ロンペ」
> A step backwards is a "retreat."

"Advance" is translated from マルシェ, and "retreat" from "ロンペ." These are French words, and the Japanese transliteration tells is they're pronounced "marcher/marchez" and "romper/rompez," but not "marche" (which would be マルシュ) or "rompe" (which would be "ロンプ"). This is one of the reasons I feel confident in changing the French; this actually brings it in line with the pronunciation of the original Japanese.

This is all an interesting case of standards and jargon in a multilingual context; many fencing terms used in both English and Japanese are French, but from what I've been able to tell, Japanese tends to borrow more French in fencing terminology than English does, using "marcher" and "romper" where English uses "advance" and "retreat," or borrowing "fendive" where Anglophone fencers use the native "lunge" instead. Because this is a translation into English, I've tried to retain the English terms where appropriate, and use the relevant terms consistently; but the call-and-response classroom dynamic seemed like something I shouldn't mess with too much, and there was already a device for providing a translation from the French built in, as the original had the native captions as well. But then "flèche" reared its head, which is borrowed from the French in both Anglophone and Japanese fencing terminology, so I had to fill in the caption with a non-technical term...

It's sort of a mess, and I just hope that any fencers that read this thing are happy with my decisions.


I frankly was confused by this in the Japanese, as well. This translation may be more literal than is warranted simply because I can't understand it any other way. I think the idea is that Youko simply can't see herself going one-to-one against somebody in a fight; but maybe she'd be okay in a team combat event? This isn't clear from the original, either, so I've opted to leave it as ambiguous and kinda strange in the English as it was to me in the original.

I'll look at the changes now.

>> No.24993  


I like the new font for the floating text. Let's keep it. There are a few other things I noticed, some new, some that I just missed earlier:


That'd be great (Still using old font for floating text)


But she's /going/ to break up with him, right? (Embolden as well as italicize "going")


Flèchez -> Flèche (As mentioned earlier, "flèche" is a noun, not a verb, so no alteration is necessary. It's probably still a good idea to replace it the same way as in the other French balloons on the page, just without the 'z' at the end.)

I trust Youko! (Enlarge to take up as much space as the balloon allows)


Wha.../Lay off/the video,/that's emb-/arrassing! -> Wha.../Lay off/the video,/that's em-/barrassing! ('b' to next line)

>> No.24994  

I think she is saying she would be no good at the sport herself if she tried to participate alongside her girlfriend, so she will be the manager because that is what she can do and still be in the same club.

Here are the changes.

>> No.24995  


I think this is ready for release.

Thank you for your hard work.

>> No.24998  



>> No.25006  



>pg 152 says "text time!" should be, "next time!"
>> No.25010  
File: index-152_1.png -(501381 B, 2220x3106) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

Here is the fix.

>> No.25011  



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