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File: 90418724_p0.jpg -(4372361 B, 2144x2285) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
4372361 No.25643  

One chapter, 26 pages. I think it's a one shot, but I could be wrong.

https://mega.nz/file/tGh1gYoI#aX3W0CjJz1KYX4uP_q8PWSaGUOtUQ2jdqn_Z-AKJ06U

>> No.25654  

I'd be down to edit it!

>> No.25663  

I'm free to proofread/qc!

>> No.25664  

>>25654
>>25663
Sounds good, thank you both.

Just posting here as a heads up for anyone unaware, boke volunteered on discord to do the translation.

>> No.25668  
File: Arai Sumiko - Hanabi.txt -(5347 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

And here's the TL.

>> No.25678  
File: Arai Sumiko - Hanabi , proofread tl.txt -(9483 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

>>25668
I read through your translation and fixed up a bunch of stuff that were choppy and the like, and modified your original tl file with the edits.
I might've been a bit nitpicky with some stuff, so if you want to ignore some changes, feel free to :D
I really liked this one, kinda sad tho, and probably a oneshot only T^T

>> No.25679  

also, there's a discord??

>> No.25680  

>>25679

We don't have like, a Yuri Project discord or anything (though I've been thinking about maybe making one) but I like to keep an eye on the Dynasty Scans discord server, since oftentimes kindly strangers will volunteer for projects, or point out all the typoes we somehow missed.

>> No.25682  

>>25678

No problem with almost all suggestions from PR.

However, I do want to follow the Japanese emphasis on the following line:

In the opposite direction of me, who just fell in love.

I know it's awkward, so any suggestions to smooth it out that keep the pronoun "me' is welcome. Maybe something like:

In the opposite direction of me, who had just fallen in love.

--

Also, it might be interesting for the TS to bold the syllables in the shiritori game to make it easier for people to follow along:

shiritoRI

Ri

RItamasu hyouSHI

SHImaSU

Or something like that.

in the opposite direction of me, who had just fallen in love

>> No.25683  

>>25682
The problem with the phrase "Who just fell in love" is that when added to the whole sentence, it becomes ambiguous as to what exactly fell in love. You could correctly assume that it's the "me" who's "falling in love", but grammatically it could also mean the fireworks are falling in love (lol).

My suggestion is:

I remember fireworks going off in the opposite direction of me, of where I had just fallen in love.

This does still take off the emphasis on "me", but clarifies the setting and that "me" was the thing that had fallen in love.

I love the TS idea for the shiritori game too!

>> No.25715  

Here it is!

I still don't know where to put the translation notes for the first words used in shiritori because there is no space between the panels to put a TL note in... So suggestions on where to put them are more than welcome!

Also I'm too dumb to get that effect on the first page with the gradient and the pink outline, so I do need some help there or we just leave the first page like that.

It's been quite some time since I picked my tablet up again so I hope the handlettering is fine :')

https://www.mediafire.com/file/ogie1v77kw29uz5/Something+Like+Fireworks+QC.zip/file

>> No.25716  
File: Something Like Fireworks, QC 1.txt -(6098 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

>>25715
Mostly sizing and centering adjustments, with some miscellaneous suggestions, fixes, and input.

The sound effects turned out beautifully, if you ask me. They match the art very well, and on a personal note, they give me a lot to think about when approaching SFX.

>> No.25718  

>>25715

I did a quick read through, and I think it turned out great! Small remarks though:

  • Some sfx, like on page 6 and 7, feel a bit too noisy given that they're present on high-tension scenes. Maybe making them greyer, rather than hard black, would make them less attention-grabbing?
  • I really love how page 15 turned out! The raw was pretty chaotic and messy, and you cleaned it up amazingly.
  • As for the shiritori game, since there's some space left in the bubble, the tl note could go under the words i.e. "RItomasu shikenSHI *(litmus paper)". Just my idea though :D
>> No.25721  

Here we go! https://www.mediafire.com/file/8e2k0nm7bokpcui/Something+Like+Fireworks+QC1.zip/file

I made some of the sfx on page 7 smaller to make it less attention grabbing instead of making them grey. The ones on page 6 are about the same size as the raw ones, so I didn't change them. Does it look better now?
The translations for the shiritori are in the bubble now like both of you suggested with the font that I used for the TL Note on page 5. I'm just not sure about mixing lower and uppercase fonts in one bubble but maybe this makes it more distinguishable that way?
I also wouldn't mind typesetting the few untranslated texts in the background.

>> No.25723  

>>25721
The sfx size and presence still bothers me for some reason, but that's how the raw does the same sooo it's fine, I guess.

On page 17, there's an extra "that" in "I wish we didn't have to have bare legs."

Page 22, I think changing "that word" to "pervert" is a nice touch for clarity. Maybe also italicize "were" (What the hell were you doing?) for correct emphasis.

Page 24, the exclamation mark in the right most bubble goes outside the page. (lol)

For the shiritori tl notes, I think keeping them lowercase distinguishes them as notes rather than as part of the dialogue, so I say lowercase.

--
Other than those fixes, I didn't see any quality issues elsewhere, so that's it from me!

>> No.25725  

>>25721

On page 12, I think the translation could be a little more clear. My interpretation of the lines
花火が揚がる音なんて聞こえてこないのに
どうしてこの人にはいつも
is that it combines with image to be pretty clear that Kobayashi's asking why she sees fireworks around Kei even when she can't hear any going off.

I think the way it's cut off in the English makes it a little less clear than it is in the original.

I'd suggest changing those two lines in the top left panel and in the bottom panel:
"I didn't hear any fireworks going off...
so why do I always see them around her?"

>> No.25727  

>>25725

Overall, your translation is clearer for the reader, but the Japanese does leave it implied.

I don't have any issue with changing it or leaving it.

>> No.25728  

Here it is! https://www.mediafire.com/file/6yjoubrma15m97c/Something+Like+Fireworks+QC2.zip/file

>> No.25729  

>>25727

Yeah, the problem as I see it is that the sentence in Japanese is missing just "I see fireworks", and then the author drew her vision of fireworks so the picture neatly completes the sentence. It's very hard to structure the sentence in English to the same effect.

Maybe if we took your line and changed it from "Why is she always..." to "Why does she always have―"? It'd be nice to find a way where it's still implied and completed by the image but a little more clear.

>> No.25730  

>>25725
>>25727
>>25729
Just to add my two cents, I think the original doesn't offer a clear enough resolution for where that line is so supposed to lead us. I wouldn't be satisfied shipping it as is. That said, I also think it'd be best to let the narration trail off and have the artwork finish the story.

My issue is that the average reader isn't always going to know where the story is going. We've all read it a few times now, so we've got a better grasp of the story and what the scene is meant to convey.

I think where the original line falls short is that it doesn't give quite enough for the reader to work with. "So why is she always..." leaves the reader to infer two things:

  1. This is about Kobayashi's perception of Kei.
  2. This is about the fireworks surrounding her.

The only thing it gives us is the third part, that this sentence is something recurring about Kei.

So my proposal would be that we incorporate one of the other two implied elements into the sentence itself, leaving the final part for the reader to infer.

For example, "It's not like I hear fireworks going off... / But whenever I look at her...".

My thought is that the full version of this sentence would be "But whenever I look at her, I see fireworks." which lines up with schuyguy's interpretation of the original sentence.

All that said, translation and localization is not my area of expertise by any means, so I will happily defer to the translator and proofreaders. My intent is just to try and provide further clarity on what I think we're missing with the approaches we've tried so far.

>> No.25732  

>>25725
>>25727
>>25729
>>25730

I completely agree with Martin here. We want to guide the reader into completing the thought wilhe maintaining the sense of implication, and I think Martin did it best by keeping the vagueness while focusing on the fact that Kobayashi is "seeing" something, and that something is clarified in the previous line as well as the art.

"It's not like I hear fireworks going off... / But whenever I look at her...".

My only gripe is that "going off" is starting to sound iffy to me. Keeping it as "It's not like I hear fireworks..." has the same vibe, and maybe even adds to the confusion that Kobayashi is feeling?

>> No.25733  

>>25730
>>25732

I think that sounds better than what I came up with.

>> No.25734  

>>25732>>25732

I like the suggestions here.

>> No.25738  

Here it is: https://www.mediafire.com/file/if55gtf56410ndq/Something+Like+Fireworks+QC3.zip/file

>> No.25739  

>>25738
Regarding the line on p12, I think "It's not like I hear fireworks..." as miystifi suggested is better than what we have now, "I didn't hear any fireworks...". The difference to me is that we want the line in simple present tense, because this is a recurring feeling throughout her life. Using "didn't" focuses too heavily on this specific instance of fireworks.

Aside from that, I think we should be good to go.

>> No.25740  

Alright, I changed the line on that page.

https://www.mediafire.com/file/pv8etrpvwto56zz/Something+Like+Fireworks+QC4.zip/file

>> No.25746  
File: 90418724_p13.png -(342321 B, 1275x1800) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
342321

Sorry for taking so long, just one more thing before we release this.

The line, "don't launch any." is just a little awkward. I think it's clear what she means, but it just doesn't sound great. Maybe change it to:
"don't launch any fireworks." or just:
"no fireworks"

Let me know what you think.

>> No.25747  

>>25746

My understanding was that she didn't want the current festival she was visiting to launch any fireworks, which is why it didn't feel off to me. We fixed the implication in the lines of the previous page, and I think this one maintains it, with the art and vagueness and all? I'm not sure.

>> No.25748  

>>25747

I'm almost certain she's speaking metaphorically. She's finally gotten over her childhood love and found someone she's happy with. She came back to this festival after years of avoiding it because of the pain it brought her, and now she sees Kei again and realizes she never got over her at all. The "don't launch any" ties back into the previous page: she's wishing she didn't see those fireworks around Kei, because she thought she'd finally moved on only to realize that she still loves her.

At least, I'm fairly sure that's what's going on there.

>> No.25749  

>>25747
>>25748
I'm also of the opinion that the line is referring to the imagined fireworks, as that's the only way I can see the page making sense thematically. I think it'd be best to drop the word "launch" as it feels like it leans too heavily toward literal fireworks. I'd prefer "No fireworks.", "No more fireworks.", or something to that effect.

>> No.25750  

>>25746

The last line is a plea that tapers off -

Literally it's "Please give (me) the gift of not launching..."

In this case, a literal translation is not appropriate, but since the author did leave it short and tapering off, I vote for sticking with the original, awkwardness and all.

>> No.25751  

>>25750

I don't think that's correct. 頼むから揚がってくれるな is a complete sentence, nothing is cut off. 揚がる is an intransitive verb, it doesn't need an object and the subject is plainly implied to be fireworks, since that's what she's talking about and 揚がる is the verb that collocates with 花火. な after any non-past verb form is an informal negative imperative, it can end a sentence by itself. More literally, 揚がってくれるな would be "don't go up for me." In general, I don't think "launch" is a great way to translate 揚がる, since "launch" is a transitive verb. It seems like 花火が揚がる would more naturally translate to "fireworks go off," they're both intransitive verb phrases, and "go off" is the English verb that collocates with "fireworks".

In my opinion "I'm begging you, no more fireworks." just more naturally conveys the meaning of this page.

>> No.25753  

>>25751

In general, I agree with your conclusion.

>In my opinion "I'm begging you, no more fireworks." just more naturally conveys the meaning of this page.

Your suggestion is definitely more natural English.

However Agu chose the intransitive over the transitive ”花火を打ち上げる”. And my take on it is that is a deliberate choice.

Now Japanese is a language that often leaves things implied, which is what I was referring to when I said "it trails off".

Again, my vote is to keep it as I translated it, but I definitely see where you are coming from.

Interestingly enough, according to a report from the Counsel of Cultural Affairs on Kanji Usage "揚がる" is older usage "上がる” is modern usage. "打ち上げる” is fine, but 打ち揚がる” is not.

>> No.25754  

>>25751

Btw, I do appreciate the thoughtful comments! Always happy to have a discussion about TL choices.

>> No.25755  

>>25753

Okay, I misunderstood what you meant by "trails off". I guess this comes down to a difference of interpretation. It's your translation, so we should go with your choice.

And I also like discussing wording choices (probably too much). I found something about that shift from 揚がる to 上がる as well, but I didn't fully understand it. I wonder if there's any meaning in the author choosing the old-fashioned kanji instead of the modern one?

Anyways, that's my last comment about this, is it ready for release now?

>> No.25758  

I have added the credits page.

Thanks for the good work everyone!

https://www.mediafire.com/file/psln7m518q2fzgx/Something+Like+Fireworks+QC4.zip/file

>> No.25760  

Released.

Good work everyone.

>> No.25763  
File: 90418724_p5.png -(814201 B, 1275x1800) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
814201

I fixed a small error that was pointed out in the dynasty discord server.



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