Page 02 Panel 3 I'd restructure these lines a bit: Yui-chan! You'd look really good, I mean, your hair's so long and so pretty! Of all the girls, you'd make the best princess! I don't think the 結ちゃんがいちばん line is cut off, it's more of a call-back to the first line, お姫様は. The topic is still "princess", so the ichiban is saying Yui would be the best princess of everyone in the class. Panel 4 >She is my precious childhood friend. I don't think the meaning of 自慢 is really captured by "precious". She's saying that Yui-chan is so cute she can brag about her. Maybe change this to "I'm proud to have Yui-chan as my friend." or something like that Page 4 Panel 6 >Well... it's a shame to cut it, right? change to >Well... it'd be a shame to cut it, right? Page 8 Panel 1 >She's so cute, right? Like a doll or something. I think this might be better as "She's too cute", since あんまり sort of implies excess. Page 11 >But... that's... I'd change this to "I mean... well..." just to fit the conversation better. Page 12 >I have to really apologize to her... change to >I really have to apologize to her... >At the least, I have to honestly... change to >At the least, I have to honestly― just think a dash would be better here since her thought is getting cut off by Yui's interruption. Page 14 >I knew that you'd forgotten! change to >Of course you've forgotten! やっぱり here isn't really "I already knew that", more like "that confirms what I thought." I think this conveys that better. Also, not sure I'd ever put "shithead!" for も... but I kind of like it here. >I started growing it out because you said it was cute! that I looked like a princess! I think this is missing the しおらしくしてた element of the original line. "I grew my hair out and acted meek because you said it was cute! that I looked like a princess!" No clue how that will fit in the bubble though. >"The princess is Yui-chan!" to match the earlier change I suggested, I'd change these lines to >"Yui-chan," "Of all the girls," >"You'd make the best princess!" Page 15 >I mean, Megumi has always been more feminine. I know! change to >I mean, I know you've always been more feminine! I just think it's weird to call someone by name when you're speaking to them. Page 16 >her face... no, not just that >so cute I'd change that to > her face... no, not just that... >she's so cute. >I thought I'd remake it, but... change to >Though I guess I should remake it... I think she's speaking about the present here, since obviously Yui doesn't need scrunchies anymore. Page 18 >is just change to >was just >that I'm driven to embrace you. change to >that I was driven to embrace you. This is all in the past tense. Also, I think "driven to embrace you" is a little awkward. Maybe change it to "I couldn't help but embrace" or "I got an irresistable urge to embrace you" or something like that.