>>26126
I don't think this is ready for release yet. Just looking through the first few pages, I already see some issues with lines. On page 6, "What's bringing this up?" just reads as very awkward. I think you might say, "What brought this up?" or "What's got you bringing this up?" or "Why are you bringing this up?"
On page 10, that line "Watch out for a lifestyle that watches too much tv and doesn't exercise". I understand what it means, but it just isn't something anyone would say. Maybe something like "Watch out for a lifestyle where you watch too much tv and don't exercise".
And then page 13, I see what you're going for with the colloquialisms, but "I betcha" doesn't work. There's no "you" for the "I bet you". "You betcha" can be inserted into dialogue like that, but only really in conversations. "It's been an age, I bet" would work, but the "betcha" really does change the meaning.